I just saw a hot homeless man
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
