Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
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