So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
I want a musical about memes.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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