is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
they call him Oral-B. enough said
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Randomize