actually, I'm a sock model
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Just puked most of my soul out..
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
