If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
