I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
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