he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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