I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
