No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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