I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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