Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
