I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
organizing the empties. That sober.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize
