i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
is wine microwaveable?
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
