i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
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