I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I want a musical about memes.
Randomize
