I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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