She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
