my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
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