nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
