my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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