i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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