The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
