Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
