sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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