i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
did i just pee glitter
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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