I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
