Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
