We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
