i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Randomize
