I think I am morally bankrupt
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
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