The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
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