I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
found the other keg... it's in the tree
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
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