please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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