he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
