I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I am available for nakedness
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Randomize
