This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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