Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
I need to align my fucking chakras
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
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