Moan for me like Helen Keller
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
