she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
