nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Randomize
