just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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