Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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