I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
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