we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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