whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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