If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
