Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize
