Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Randomize
