Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
