its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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