Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
