I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
