I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
