Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Randomize
