one two three fourrrrnication!
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Randomize
